MAY 1975

The end of primary school. To be rigidly fair it might have been in early June. But your mind only remembers what and how it wants. Alex Swanson and myself. What a pair we were, if only in my mind. In retrospect I think he tolerated rather than liked me. We were the Aerodynamic Duo of Muiredge but he was definitely cleverer than me. We used to do these Monday afternoon skits in front of the class. Alex wrote his own on computer paper from the Honeywell plant out in Birkenshaw, which was definitely several billion cuts above my Goon Show Scripts cribs. Yes, I know. But at the time it felt good. Alex really must have hated my guts all along.

 

The “(Special Disco Mix)” of Silver Convention’s “Save Me” was jointly assembled by Pete Waterman, making his first credited appearance in the charts. He had actually co-produced Susan Cadogan’s “Hurts So Good” – or says he did, although he might have just remixed it – with Lee “Scratch” Perry. That must have been a stimulating evening.

 

The Sharonettes record was indeed, like “Footsee,” another forgery by the cunning Simon Soussan. It sounds like it was recorded in one of those booths Woolworths used to have, for 20p a minute.

 

Lanarkshire was absorbed, along with seven other Scottish counties, into the catchall region of Strathclyde on 16 May 1975. I never met anybody who was in favour of it. Although “Stand By Your Man” had been released as an American single in 1968, the dozy British music “industry” didn’t get around to putting it out until 1974. Wynette had filed for divorce from George Jones in March 1975, a fact not known to me at the time.

 

On 29 September 1975 Jackie Wilson suffered a massive heart attack while performing on stage at the Latin Casino in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. He slipped into a coma from which he never truly came round. He died of complications secondary to pneumonia on 21 January 1984, four-and-a-bit months short of what would have been his fiftieth birthday.

 

The comments on It Ain’t Half Hot Mum serve as your periodic reminder that its author was only eleven at the time. Unbroadcastable now, of course, with all its dated postcard caricatures – not to mention Michael Bates in brownface – unless you put in a “dated language and attitudes” disclaimer, but I still think that on the whole it was funnier and sharper than Dad’s Army (“Useless by James Joyce!”). The final episode, where Davies’ sergeant major is left alone in the railway station café without any discernible future, is still rather moving. The “bum-bum-bum-bum” deep voice on “Whispering Grass” belonged not to Davies, but to scary Mike Sammes.

 

 

3 May

 

SILVER CONVENTION: Save Me/Save Me (Special Disco Mix) (Magnet MAG 26)

 

 

Glacial German (?) girl group disco. What Kraftwerk might sound like if they got female singers in.

 

 

 

THE SHARONETTES: Papa Ooh Mow Mow (Vocal)/Papa Ooh Mow Mow (Instrumental) (Black Magic BM 102)

 

 

Begins with a frightening Vincent Price cackle. Would like us to think this is Northern Soul but it sounds too recent, cheap and parochial to be convincing.

 

 

 

BETTY WRIGHT: Where Is The Love/My Baby Ain’t My Baby Anymore (RCA Victor RCA 2458)

 

 

More gutsy, bouncy soul-pop from Miami. Betty Wright really puts all those Saturday evening cabaret singers in their place. The B-side doesn’t seem to be an answer to Paul da Vinci but it’s much better than him.

 

 

 

GARY GLITTER: Love Like You And Me/I’ll Carry Your Picture (Everywhere) (Bell 1423)

 

 

What does that stupid title even mean? It’s like Stan Laurel selling Christmas cards – “Even as you and I.” He’s gone mad.

 

 

 

TAMMY WYNETTE: Stand By Your Man/Your Good Girl’s Gonna Go Bad (Epic EPC 7137)

 

 

This song has been around for years and only now becomes a hit. People in Britain seem embarrassed by country music. People in England, anyway. In Lanarkshire – I am not going to call it Strathclyde; nor real human being calls is that - it’s the number one music, above pop and rock. “Before The Next Teardrop Falls” by Freddy Fender; that’s what the neighbours like. Tammy sings like her teeth are clenched and her pledge sounds ironic. The B-side indicates what’s going to happen if her man doesn’t stand by, or just can’t stand, her.

 

 

 

DISCO TEX & THE SEX-O-LETTES: I Wanna Dance Wit’ Choo (Doo Dat Dance)/I Wanna Dance Wit’ Choo (Doo Dat Dance) – Part II (Chelsea 2005 024)

 

 

Soundalike follow-up. I don’t expect they’ll get a third hit.

 

 

 

 

10 May

 

IAN HUNTER: Once Bitten, Twice Shy/3,000 Miles From Here (CBS 3194)

 

 

“’ALLO!” The first solo single by the Mott The Hoople chap, with Mick Ronson on guitar. It sounds like they both miss David Bowie.

 

 

 

MAC AND KATIE KISSOON: Don’t Do It Baby/Hold On (To Me Babe) (State Records STAT 4)

 

 

All right, then, I won’t.

 

 

 

GLADYS KNIGHT & THE PIPS: The Way We Were-Try To Remember/Love Finds Its Own Way (Buddah BDS 428)

 

 

This group doesn’t get enough hits in Britain. “Midnight Train To Georgia” really should have been enormous but people here wanted “Deck Of Cards.” It sounds like it’s only Gladys singing this in front of a (possibly pre-recorded) audience. The difference between Streisand and this is that Gladys sounds like she’s lived the life to justify what she’s singing. I just heard on the news that New York was on the verge of declaring bankruptcy. And Glasgow is collapsing to bits. The “good old days” and she doesn’t mean Leonard Sachs.

 

 

 

 

17 May

 

FOX: Imagine Me Imagine You/If I Point At The Moon (GTO GT 21)

 

 

Not quite a soundalike follow-up but other than the lead singer (to men) it’s hard to see the appeal. Not impressed by any of these new names so far this year. It’s like a bargain basement clearout sale of pop.

 

 

 

JACKIE WILSON: I Get The Sweetest Feeling/Soul Galore (MCA MU 1160)

 

 

This is identical to the record that was a hit in 1972 – same catalogue number. Is this because of Northern Soul as well? Too many oldies getting into the charts these days.

 

 

 

WINDSOR DAVIES AS B.S.M. WILLIAMS AND DON ESTELLE AS GUNNER SUGDEN (LOFTY): Whispering Grass/DON ESTELLE AS GUNNER SUGDEN (LOFTY): I Should Have Known (EMI 2290)

 

 

From It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, which is a lot funnier than the very boring Dad’s Army where nobody laughs ever. The thing is you want Windsor Davies to yell “SHUTUP” all the way through but he doesn’t actually do very much – Don Estelle does nearly all of the singing and he’s very good, but Windsor Davies just stands around and mumbles and goes bum-bum-bum-bum. Old people who remember the war will buy this and sing along to it if power cuts come back.

 

 

 

THE WOMBLES: Wombling White Tie And Tails (Fox Trot)/The Wombling Twist (CBS 3266)

 

 

Twenties musical pastiche and I can’t imagine any children who might be interested in this. Running out of ideas, is Mike Batt.

 

 

 

KRAFTWERK: Autobahn/Kometenmelodie 1 (Vertigo 6147 012)

 

 

 

This is on the same label in Britain as Status Quo and I can imagine them doing this in their style. I already know the full album version because Colin McDonald played it on Radio Clyde last month and my father said we’re going into Goldbergs in town to buy that tomorrow because it’s proper music. When my father likes something he likes it. But this is…out of this world. Tomorrow’s World (with Raymond Baxter). If they could drive cars on the moon James Burke would be up there already with Kraftwerk. It is like “Barbara Ann” crossed with “Pepper Box” but it takes its time to get where it’s going and obeys no rules of pop records. I’m looking forward to the future when all music sounds like this. It’s “Autobahn” or “Wombling White Tie And Cobwebs” – which would you prefer? Oh God this is so brilliant it makes all other pop music look stupid.

 

 

DESMOND DEKKER: Israelites/Sugar Dumpling (Cactus CT 57)

 

 

Another re-release and this is only from six years ago. Have people got no memories left? It really scared me when it was number one but why come back now?

 

 

 

SLADE: Thanks For The Memory (Wham Bam Thank You Mam)/Raining In My Champagne (Polydor 2058 585)

 

 

 

This begins with a W. C. Fields impression and runs around like a headless chicken searching for its head. There’s no tune here. You might as well be listening to Lieutenant Pigeon only at least they’re funny.

 

 

 

THE STYLISTICS: Sing Baby Sing/Thank You Baby (Avco 6105 036)

 

 

God this is chronic bad. “Shhhhhing byyyy beee shaaaaaang.” “Danche baybee danche.” Stop telling her what to do or she’ll hit you on the head with a steam shovel so it will be all your fault. He sings this like he’s the Incredible Hulk speeded up.

 

 

 

 

24 May

 

JOHN LENNON: Stand By Me/Move Over Ms. L (Apple R 6005)

 

 

Pointless cover version – I mean he sings it well enough, but why does this record even exist? The B-side is a lot smarter.

 

 

 

ERIC CLAPTON: Swing Low Sweet Chariot/Pretty Blue Eyes (RSO 2090 158)

 

 

 

Pointless cover version done in snooze cod-reggae style. Maybe it finishes better but every time I listen to it I fall asleep before the end. About as exciting as Kylepark on a windy Sunday evening.

 

 

 

STATUS QUO: Live! E.P. (Roll Over Lay Down/Gerdundula/Junior’s Waiting) (Vertigo QUO 13)

 

 

Celebrating their thirteenth anniversary – what an odd anniversary to commemorate with an E.P. (first one in the charts for years!). “Roll Over Lay Down” is getting the airplay and it’s Quo doing what they do (half-tempo boogie variety) – as simple as that.

 

 

 

JUDY COLLINS: Send In The Clowns/Houses (Elektra K 12177)

 

 

Stephen Sondheim song from A Little Night Music – a huge surprise to see this in the charts but Collins sings it effortlessly, if only to disguise all the emotional effort she’s really putting into it.

 

 

 

SHOWADDYWADDY: Three Steps To Heaven/The Party (Bell 1426)

 

 

Well, I thought Showaddywaddy had had their commercial chips but they’ve taken the Mud escape route – do a cover version and turn yourself into a comedy act on TV. This will probably be their biggest hit yet. A residency on The Wheeltappers And Shunters Social Club can’t be that far off.

 

 

 

 

31 May

 

HOT CHOCOLATE: Disco Queen/You’re A Natural High (RAK 202)

 

 

They’ve been off the chart for over a year and boogie medallion Errol’s not really going to convince the wavering fans to come back.

 

 

 

BARRY WHITE: For You I’ll Do Anything You Want Me To/Anything You Want Me To (20^th Century BTC 2208)

 

 

How about doing something different?

 

 

 

THE OSMONDS: The Proud One/The Last Day Is Coming (MGM/Kolob 2006 520)

 

 

Haven’t they finished yet? Another tedious ballad (and another Four Seasons cover; they really are flavour of the month) where they’re all sitting on their stools being emotional please help me SCREAM. This is so dull it might as well be the Bachelors. On the B-side (which is much better; sounds a little like the recent work of the Beach Boys) they sound quite disappointed that it’s going to be the end of the world.